Time To Release My Secret

Wow....it's really been a long time time since I have posted on my blog.  I never stopped writing, I just chose to keep it private in my own written journal.  Not that anyone reads this silly thing, (honestly I started this more because I thought it would be easier than writing and I also knew that there were a few people back home that wanted to keep up with what I was doing), but I just made the decision to stop sharing. 

I began this blog to chronicle my weight loss journey so to have something to look back on.  I have had so much wonderful support from family, friends, and strangers that have become friends and acquaintances through this journey. 

After I lost my 100 pounds before my 40th birthday I have since been in a battle to continue losing.  I have actually put weight back on.  The good news (this time) I didn't put it all back on.  Through this journey it has truly been an education regarding food and exercise.  I think these two aspects have at least kept me at a point where I didn't fully gain every pound back.  Well I am now 42 (will be 43 in September) and while I do still feel healthy (and still not on blood pressure meds - which is why this whole journey started in the first place) I have struggled greatly.

I kept thinking to myself "what is wrong with me?".  I know what I should be eating, I love to exercise but yet I still keep gaining weight back.  It's been like a big roller coaster.  I feel like I have lost the same pounds over and over and over again, which is beyond aggravating.

As the end of 2015 came to an end I finally had my answer.  I have a BINGE EATING DISORDER!!!!! (huge sigh of relief - I said it)

Between that moment and now it has been so hard coming to terms with this.  There have been good days, there have been really bad days, and there have been days where I just don't know how I am.  How I can best describe how it's been - I feel like it compares to the seven stages of grief. 

I was in such shock and denial about the whole thing.  Where I thought I would be relieved to finally know what was wrong with me and how it explains everything I have been through I just wanted to fight it.  It was like opening a Pandora's box...once I knew what it was I couldn't put it back and forget about it.  It was out there in the open and I had to face it, but I didn't want to.  I felt like a child going through a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming "NOOOOOOO".

Then came the anger.  I kept thinking "why me?".  The level of anger and frustration was unreal.  I was so mad at myself and was in a state of beating myself up.  How could I let this happen?  What in the world is wrong with me?

I kept going back and forth from the anger to still being in denial.  I kept trying to think of other things to explain my eating habits - the large volumes of food, the continued eating even though I wasn't hungry, the eating one way in public in front others to then come home and just completely lose control, the feelings of guilt and being ashamed after coming out of my binge "trance" and realizing what I had just done/eaten.  It was one night after work after dealing with one of my "triggers" that I came to the realization how real this was.  I didn't have any plans for dinner, nothing was prepared at home.  I was going to go to the gym after work but just wasn't feeling it.  I tried to think what I wanted for dinner but I really couldn't think of anything.  I would think of something and stop and pick it up.  Driving down the rode I thought "oh, that sounds good".  So I stopped a few more places.  In the end before I made it back home I had stopped at five different places (and not healthy places).  I the proceeded to bring it all home and eat it all.  Was I that hungry?  No.  I just couldn't stop.  I felt so far out of control in my life and when I felt out of control this is what I did...I binged, and at times a lot.

As I am reading this last paragraph an overwhelming sense of fear comes over me.  Minus a professional and a very close confidant, I have never shared this story with anyone.  So many thoughts are running through my head.  Are you really going to share this?  Oh my God, what will people think of you?  They will think you are a freak?  But I know if I keep things like this inside it will continue to happen.  I am so screwed up!!!

In this process, depression then set in.  This is not a disease that just goes away.  How in the world can I tackle this, what has caused it.  I was clueless.  I started distancing myself from people because I just didn't want to have to explain myself - my emotions being all over the place (more so than normal) and my negative thoughts.  I always pride myself in trying to remain a positive person but I had to face the facts - I could no longer put that fake smile on my face and pretend like nothing was wrong.  I was tired and wanted to hide.

In my darkest moments I then realized that I can't let this define me.  I slowly started to accept the fact that I have a problem and it is nothing to be ashamed of anymore.  As I started accepting it, it started to become less uncomfortable and hard to believe more comforting.  I know, comforting, right?  How in the world could it be comforting?  It was nice to finally realize why I couldn't keep my weight off, why I couldn't stay somewhere and maintain. 

In the last couple of weeks I have come to some serious epiphanies as to the reasons why I binge.  While it is not good to hide things (and something I am learning) this is not a platform that I choose to share.  I am sharing and not keeping those secrets but as I always have been very guarded in my personal business.  I, and I alone choose who and when to share with.  I have been burned in the past sharing with those I think I can trust and have been hurt deeply. 

I have a lot more to learn about this disorder.  I know there are still going to tough days and struggles.  This isn't something that is going to go away or be cured.

My task now is to work on the why's and what for's, come to terms with things in my past and work through them, and slowly learn to control this.

I will find my happiness again.....in time.

(I have been sitting here for the last hour debating on whether to hit the publish button...wow, this is so hard).  It's time to let it go....