A rough February (so far)

February...ugh.  After such a great January I felt like I had put my struggles behind me from the end of 2013 and had turned the corner and was ready to push forward.  Oh boy, was I wrong.  This month has been what I call the "perfect storm".  I didn't weigh in the first week but the second week I had gained back 3.6 pounds - see numbers page.

On my last post (which was forever ago) I had mentioned that I wasn't feeling well.  I ended up going to the doctor.  I had some fluid buildup in my ear.  Apparently this is what was causing the dizziness.  While I am feeling much better, the dizziness hasn't completely gone away.  Honestly, it is more aggravating than anything.  I feel like it is holding me back.  I am letting it play mind games with my head.  I took a week and a half off from exercising, which was so very hard.  If you read my posts you know just how much I love exercise and how it makes me feel so much better not only physically but mentally.  I finally went back to the gym last Monday.  I figured I would start with Zumba.  It went well.  Combat class the next day was a little more challenging.  You tend to have to use your balance a little bit more and it was tough at times but I got through it.  I have yet to get back to a Booty Barre class yet.  I have really missed this class and I feel my body will be paying for it when I get back to it next Thursday (hopefully).  I went back to Body Pump class this morning.  Also another class that I love and have missed (I do really love them all).  I am totally feeling it tonight, but in a good way.  The class went really well but once again when I laid down to do the chest track the room just started spinning.  Thankfully it went away and I pushed forward.  Barring weather and besides my current other engagements this week, I hope to have a full week of classes at the gym and get back to my regular routine.  I also want to start getting some more walking in (I did 20 minutes on the treadmill before my Body Pump and Zumba classes today).  Today's workout felt good.

Then there has been the weather.  We have probably had one of the worst winters in years, or at least it seems like it.  It has been a horrible combination of not only the snow and ice but the frigid temperatures.  Through this whole process and losing all this weight I have noticed that I feel so much colder than I ever did.  This weather has been downright depressing.  One day I made the best of it and went outside for a really good walk in the snow, but since then I want nothing to do with the outdoors.  The weather is even interfering with working out.  Classes Thursday night were cancelled because of the weather.  I know that there is so many things I could do at home, but I just couldn't do it.  I am so ready for Spring to get here, some warmer temperatures, and lots more sunshine.  I truly do suffer from a seasonal disorder.

Last but certainly not least there are the emotions.  These have been way out of whack this month which for me tends to lead to some really bad food choices.  I tend to hang onto things and keep a lot of stuff to myself, which I know is a very bad thing.  This has always been something I have struggled with all my life, but has gotten worse since I moved 700 plus miles away from family and friends.  I know that I am not, but have felt so alone and like it is just me.  For that reason I have not wanted to burden those I love and care for with my problems and issues because they can't be here.  I know that is wrong thinking but I don't want anyone that I care for to worry about me.  I tend to put on a happy face and say "all is well".  In the end, I do know that by doing this I am hurting myself and making it harder for me to move on with things and this sometimes (and has) led to me eating my feelings and stuffing things further down with food.

During my yearly GYN exam I expressed a concern over a lot of pain during "that time of the month".  This led to having an appointment for an ultrasound to make sure everything was OK along with a discussion on some options.  We discussed doing an ablation but then the doctor said the word "tubal".  My mouth dropped.  I have always told myself that if I didn't have children by 40 that I probably wouldn't have any, but that is me talking.  It was totally another thing to think that it WOULDN"T be an option any longer.  It really hit me hard.  It just seems so final.  It is something I need to seriously think about doing and whether it is the right thing for me.  This leads me to why this really bothers me more than it normally would.  I can't believe I am going to say this out loud, but maybe it is time.  Maybe this is what I need to let go of, maybe this is something that is keeping me from moving forward and continuing to be successful.  Oh my, this is so hard.....

From the moment I saw my oldest nephew being born I thought that is definitely something I want in my life...to be a mother.  After all I have had such amazing women and role models in my life to look up to (my Mom, my Grandmothers, Aunts, cousins, friends, and even co-workers).  I knew that when I moved down here to Maryland this goal in life might be a little harder.  After all I would be doing it without my family around.  Relationships came and went...after awhile I just figured this was a role in life not meant to happen for me.  Then I met someone that I had feelings for that I never felt before....dare I say it was love.  He even met my parents when they came down here for a visit.  In the end things didn't work out between us but something was going on.  Something felt different, something like never before.  To my surprise (well, there were many emotions), I found out that I was pregnant.  So many thoughts and like I said so many emotions...shock (after all I was on the pill), surprise, happiness, fear, excitement, just to name a few.   Reality then set in....could I do this not only on my own but with my family so far away.  I figured I had plenty of time ahead of me to think about that.  I was a little scared to tell anyone, after all what would they think?  So I decided to keep it to myself until I felt comfortable sharing.  Long story short, I miscarried very early on.  I was devastated.  Again ran the whole gamete of emotions...maybe this was God's way of saying it wasn't the right time.  During this period, I turned to food and this is when I became my heaviest and unhealthiest (in the 330's).  I would put it in the back of my mind but then from time to time it would come up again and just completely wreck me.  My hope is that finally putting it out there I can finally let it go and not let it do the damage that it has done in my lifestyle change journey.  Phew......

Allright....now is the time to find my motivation.  I feel like it is missing and I need to put up a reward to find it.

For my goals for the rest of the month:

To get back into a regular workout routine.
Be much more mindful of what I am eating.  Ask myself if I am hungry or if it is emotional.
Find other healthier ways to deal with my emotions, stresses.
If not every day (yet), try to log my food again for a while until I can get back to where I am comfortable.

I am going to stay off the scale for the remainder of the month and step back on for a new month.

I have to look at this month as a little bump in my road.  There will always be those bumps, it is how you deal with them, learn from them, and tread forward.  This month has been a challenge, but it will not break me.  I am a much stronger woman than I was 100 pounds ago.  I just need to get my mojo back.

Stay tuned...the journey continues.   :)